Red Skelton’s tips for a happy marriage

  1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
  2. We sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Ontario and mine is in California.
  3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
  4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. “Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!” she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
  5. When we go to the shopping mall, we always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
  6. My wife told me the car wasn’t running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was; she told me “In the lake.”
  7. Before you take the leap into matrimony, remember: marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
  8. In fact, statistically 100% of all divorces start with marriage.
  9. As for myself, I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.
  10. I haven’t spoken to my wife in almost a year. I don’t like to interrupt her.
  11. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked “What’s on the TV?” I said “Dust!”

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